It's easy enough to say, I feel lonely. I love david to death, sometimes even so much I cry simply because of the overwhelming emotions. I also am being stressed. I am trying to quit smoking.. I am down to just one cigarette a day and it's driving me crazy. My pills are causing a whole new kind of hormonal complex within me and I can't figure out what i am.. am I sad? angry? happy? so happy that I cry or angry enough to cry tears of blood?? I don't know.

I am also experiencing a HUGE jealousy streak. I know that it's absurd to be upset about it.. but the majority of his myspace top friends are his exz. It gets under my skin because I know that he keeps in contact with them and checks up on them.. and the majority of them are far prettier than me. It's fucked up. It makes me wonder if he doesn't still have feelings for them. What if he wants to get back with one of them? What do I do? If I confront him about it.. he'll never let me live it down. He will do like the last time that I got mad at him for watching porn over having sex.. and stop playing on the computer.. insisting that it's the only way to make me happy. It just makes me feel worse. I'll add more later.

that's rich..

Yeah, so I messaged Brian.. thinking I could get somewhere as to why he doesn't want to talk to me and that is what I got. I am a theif because I stole his computer and his car and his best friend's love apparently. I can honestly say that I did not steal his car. I remember that one day Jimmy was laughing saying that he was going to tow Brian's car to the impound and have it crushed for some whiskey money.. and then the next day I woke up and it was gone and Jimmy was sitting on 3 bottles of KD. My bad? His computer is what is now Melissa and Elizabeth's computer.. but if you remember correctly.. he fried the one we were going to give them, AFTER my mom had paid us for it.. which by the way isn't working right now and for that matter.. it was Rob's idea to take it. I do have the monitor over at my brother's house I think.. If he is so hurt by the fact that I have it.. then he can have it back. I don't have a use for it anymore anyways. and the best friend's love thing? I have no idea what he meant by that.. I don't know if he is implying that I took his love and threw it away.. or if rob was his best friend but let's recap real quick.

Izaac hated you. Absolutely couldn't stand you.. he even tried to get Rob and I to pay the money that you owed him. I practically had to beg rob to let you move in with us.. that was MY idea. You moved yourself and your girl in and things went shitty real fast. You swear up and down that you did nothing wrong.. but week after week rob would bitch that you were taking all of his money.. using up all the gas in my car.. so on and so forth and for the longest time I defended you.. until I got sick of your girl's shit and then I plotted against you living in the house.. yes. You mad that I lied to you? Fuck.. Yeah.. I am a class act liar.. but that shouldn't really matter because your girl was lying to you and abusing you worse that I ever was. How many different times was she pregnant? Seriously.. did she ever even go to the doctor or was that more lies? Sure, she's awesome now.. she gave you a son and I suppose that things are swell now. But the fact still remained that she lied to the both of us over and over again and about the stupidest shit. Where did my sharpies go? she doesn't have them.. I can't find them. So I snuck into her bag one afternoon while you two were at work and there they were.. and what was her response? "I didn't know they were in there" and the worst part of this.. even though I hated her.. I fucking tried to help you keep her around. I sat there when she was being impossible and tried to get her to calm down and talk to you like a normal human being, instead of her slave. It doesn't matter now.. it's a whatever at this point.(however, let's not forget the used tampons that were all over..)

I am not a whore. Did I cheat on rob? yes. His name was anthony.. he came by the gas station all the time while I was working and I had sex with him.. Is that the only one? Nope. I fooled around with male Corey too. Do I feel bad? oh, hell no! I was tired of the bullshit. I was tired of feeling like a freak.. which I am.. but your significant other is supposed to be at least accepting. I was tired of his friend constantly coming over and treating me like shit. Yeah.. they didn't like me.. I get it, but if you can't behave, then don't come over to my house and eat up my food and act shitty towards me.. Come over and steal rob for a few hours and leave me out of it then. I was tired of being alone in the house.. constantly wanting a feeling of company. Tired of the superior lack of romance and for that matter.. I wanted a child.. I always have and it's not like it's an obsurd request. I didn't require any of my boyfriends to be anything in particular appearance wise, nothing in personality, I chose who I wanted by the simple fact of.. if I got knocked up would they take care of me and love both me and our child. Simple as that and I was tired of the same old routine of being without. Day after day I was unhappy.. with the sex.. the behavior.. spending all our money and overdrafting our account, JUST BARELY making bills.. It was ultimately aggravating.. and let's not forget the fact that he invited his best friend Devan to that concert before I even knew he had been given the tickets.. I wasn't the first person he called.. I sat around all night and babysitted her, as well as buying everyone food.. and sure enough, he called during the concert to tell me about how he had women throwing their tits in his face and how glad that he was that he took Devan and not me. so I began cheating on him. Made me feel better and it was nice to know that someone thought I was sexy. so sue me. Someone whom didn't make fun of my strange antics or preferences in games. I felt better about myself and that is what matters.

Do I feel bad about how things went down and the lying? yes. I don't however want to change it. I met someone new. He knows about how I cheated on rob.. I've told him about every crazy stunt that I did and about how I have a serious problem with lying, making up stories, stealing, betraying trust, and all of my good or bad qualities.. and he doesn't care. For some reason he loves me unconditionally and plans on keeping me forever. He doesn't make fun of me for neopets or WoW.. just says that it is not his style of game and goes on loving me. Maybe it's because I haven't given him hell, abused his love, or betrayed his trust.. but I don't feel that I need to. I feel that I have grown up a lot and it sucks that I hurt so many people in the past.. but life is a learning experience and all those whom suffered it I am sorry, but you made a better person out of it that someone like david can love.. so it wasn't in vain. Now that I have cleared my mind, I feel better and david deserves to sleep soundly with me at his side.. not dwelling in the past, writing nonsensical journals to an ex-friend that doesn't care and won't read it anyways. Sleepy time.. especially since Melanie fell asleep in my arms and she can't really be comfortable.

lots of cute picture, but I figured that I would put up a few on here..

You may or may not know this.. but Kaylyn has the most awesomest boyfriend in the entire world.. she loves him and he loves her and things are absolutely perfectionestic!! :p hehe, new word creating is fun. So,.. his name is David Dale.. the rest is a secret :p

I am currently at his house and he's sitting right next to me reading all this like an asshole.. making me all embarrassed... x.x but that's ok.. I'll just embarrass him back. lmao anways.. I wanted to post a full list of things that you guys should probably know about him and how things are.. and it's all going to be appropriate, I promise :x

so then.. for
1. He has a 5 year old daughter named Ryley, she's the shit. He's a good dad, like the kind of dad that will buy her everything that she wants.. but totally has a handle on her behavior which is a plus++ I enjoy watching the father/daughter relationship.. it's cute ^-^
2. He's on my myspace, the top one for instance so check him out and comment his myspace. be nice!
3. He is 6 feetsies tall TG, it's about time.
4. He's a twiggie.. which is fine b/c he's probably the hottest thing on two legs
5. He wears glasses, but needs new ones.. they's broke.
6. He has 3 tattoos, but plans on getting more.. he wants to get wylie cyote and I'm going to get the road runner.
7. He holds the record for the first boyfriend of mine to ever have a clean house and keep it that way TG.
8. He lives here in Norman over on the NE side.
9. He likes to eat sammiches with cheesesteak in them.. I think that's all he bought in walmart.
10. He drives a van, with seats that can fold down into a bed, ohhh yeah.. I can sleep while he's at work.
11. Family heritage mostly consists of Polish and Danish.. mmm.. apple danishes.. :p getting back to the list..
12. His car is kept clean too ^-^
13. He has the most gorgeous eyes.. I especially like when they light up when he smiles and give me that look followed by a "Whaaatt??"
14. He used to work at burger king.. and is between jobs right now.
15. The first day that we hung out, he made me laugh like a million times.. I don't think that I was ever that entertained when I hung around buddy.. x.x oh god, stalker alert!
16. Our first date was at the Sunny Side Up resturant. it was awesomeness.. Jerk wouldn't order hardly anything.. embarrassed that I was paying for it I suppose.. ???
17. He pretty much well knows just about all of the Crager Family collection of movies.. there's a few more to go such as "Top Secret".. but hey.. he knew "The Birds"
18. He used to live in good old cali, TG he was nowhere near oroville.. that'd be bad..
19. He has a pathetic sense of smell?? (sorry to be lame but I'm having trouble thinking here with him right next to me) so he doesn't know if I'm smelling horrible... but the downside is when he starts to... x.x
20. He knows my Klynn Klynn nickname,OG, this is not going to end well.. anyways.. He's pretty much the sweetest guy that I've ever known.. he never fails to make me happy and OMG I totally got my first rose :p tell me that's not teh sex!! anyways.. I am done with the list.. enjoy guys.


lolerz.. I've had fun, read up and let me know what you think.. and please don't myspace him embarrassing stories.. he already knows that I blew snot bubbles as a kid.. I think that's enough for a lifetime.

Granted, I do miss rob. He was the light of my life for 3 years. I loved him so much that I couldn't honestly think of being with another man.. it just sucks that I had to go elsewhere to get my own form of vengence. Which is a dumb reason to cheat.. but at least I had one.

I'm currently sitting on the last $80 of my check and I can't decide what to do with it exactly. I wanted to get a bank account.. but they needed $100 from me. I'll have to do that next week. I can't wait for that check too.. it's going to be GORGEOUS!!!

Now I'm waiting for Tad to call.. he's having a rough night and I hope to god that I can help him out. He needs as much support as possible.. even if I'm still trying to recover from actually getting the nerve to break up with rob. I contemplate it everyday.. wondering if I really made the right decision. But then I remember.. that I can actually hang out with my friends and play wow and work in peace for once :) I think that I became annoyed with everything associated with rob and there's no love in that. It would have helped had I been able to talk to him.. but after the concert.. I felt that I couldn't trust him, or myself for the matter to tell the truth.. so what's the point?

I didn't cheat on robert with corey. Polly was guessing when she told rob that.. and he apparently didn't trust me enough to listen to me when I told him that I didn't cheat on him with corey in the first place.. funny though.. I got a phone call about that and the fact that I "took all his money" directly from corey's mouth.. The guy's name was anthony, he lives behind the sooner mall.. he was the customer that used to call up to the store asking for me. I cheated on him because of when he called me drunk from that SMB concert and told me about how he had 4 women putting their boobs in his face and that he was having a great time. He also told me that he was feeling them up. Of course he never remembered it. I asked him the next day if he had called me and he didn't remember doing so, :p. I also didn't take his money. He got 160 and 120. I got 120 and 140. His CDs that he bought off amazon are what put the account in the hole and they were put on hold.. and since they were.. they occured a $28 charge.. and after that first check hit.. the CDs tried to charge through again and they again bounced.. as well as some cigarettes that he bought.. and those all piled up a new wave of charges. So he got $20 more than me and he screwed me out of MY money. So that should get people to shut up their mouths.

I also get a direct from mouth word about everything that he says about me. It's pretty funny to hear about how much he really does it.. he must be thinking about me pretty hard. Ohh well, I'm just here clearing up rumors.. to tell the truth.. I hadn't thought about him at all since the last time he called me.. until this morning when glenna mentioned that he hit her with the bike that he rides. It must suck to not have to walk. I'm going to get off here and play more wow.. I can't wait till tomorrow. I have two days off and so does Deb, Amanda, Corey, Colby and Christian. And Johnny B has wednesday off and we're going to hang with Amanda. It's going to be pretty fun :) Things seem to just be looking up, I like my life now and I wouldn't go back for any amount of begging or money. It's fantastic having time to just be myself and not what someone else wants me to be :)

In concern to your car buddy, I was actually an innocent bystander..  I woke up one morning.. and jimmy had apparently taken it to the crushing yard and had sold it for like $100, and I know it sucks.. but consider the fact that my prism(which ran just fine) was also done in this way.  Jeff gave it to Jimmy, (jeff never finished paying me for it), and then went to Izaac and Mandy behind my back and got the title and crushed it before I knew that jeff didn't want the car.  It's an awesome feeling having your vehicle sold for whiskey money.  BTW, I never saw anything from the money that Jimmy got from both cars.  Sorry about not being able to tell you.. but I didn't want jimmy going to jail.

This one is deticated to buddy. The one and only guy whom ever got the title of best friend.

I got told the absolute worst news in the entire world. I think this actually hurts more that the breakup with Rob does. I understand that most of the time, I'm out of control.. and I say things that ruin everything. I understand that I hurt people more than they will ever deserve. I also understand that there are times that I should just hold my tongue and play nice. With buddy's girlfriend, I had to hold my tongue a thousand times a day. I can't believe the kind of shit that I wanted to do to that cunt. Let's recap to the last time I broke up with rob. Buddy had broken up with jillean and she was doing the whole master thing. Which I still don't find weird. Some people just are. I moved in with Buddy and shortly after Daniel came down.. buddy went away on that trip to Missouri. I wanted so badly to tell him not to go, because I knew what would happen once he left.. and that shit came to pass faster than I could blink. Izaac nonstop grilled me. Threw me in and out of the motherfucking frying pan. I had no-one to talk to. I had no one to lean on. I had no-one that could make him just leave me alone. But he took it upon himself to make every moment in that house without brian, a living hell. I was treated like shit by Izaac.. and when Cherri came to the fucking house.. I swear to god, I was moments from suicide. I have never felt like such a worthless piece of shit.. then when the two of them went fucking crazy, and attacked me. I hoped every day that he would just come back already. But I can't take that kind of abuse for long.

Not too much longer after that, Brian moved in.. and he had Chrissy with him. We took the two of them in, with no problems. But problems did occur. I can't dig Chrissy. I seriously can't.. and it's because she would do and say the most fucked up shit behind Brian's back.. and no matter how much of it I told him.. he acted like I was the biggest liar on the face of the earth. Even granted that.. I tried to help his and her's relationship like a thousand times. I don't like her.. but I helped anyways.. because I fucking love that guy. When she started lying about me.. saying that I was the one leaving nasty ass tampons all over the place.. and yet.. her wrappers were the one's found by said tampons(we had diff colors). I couldn't believe it. Buddy swore up and down that she didn't say those things. I never, ever, ever wanted him to leave. I can't say though that I didn't want Chrissy to leave.. but taking into consideration that Cindy was getting mad, and Jimmy was getting mad, and Robert was absolutely livid that they were living there.. like.. we were having relationship and communication problems, because buddy and chrissy were causing rob to get angry.. I had to step up and push them getting kicked out. I never, ever, ever meant as much to him.. as Jillean and Chrissy did. and it's because and I am really saying this.. I was never skinny enough to get buddy's attention. The whole time that I've known him, he's dated twigs.. and it's the most upsetting thing in the world.. because I already had enough problems with my weight.

So, apparently, when buddy was trying to get ahold of robert and I.. he never wanted to talk to me. Ever. I'm sorry that I opened my mouth and said what I said.. "don't ever come back". I was fucking pissed about Chrissy. You can't even begin to understand the amount of hurt that she has caused me.. and it's neither of them's fault.. it's my fault for being a fat ass. It's the same shit that's going to go on for the rest of my life.. Every guy that I've ever met.. just wants me to please them once or twice and then they leave me.. empty handed for some skinny girl. I can't even believe that I manage to waste my time on guys like that. The only guy that's ever been decent to me is Robert.. but he needs to have time alone to himself to figure his shit out.. because I can't do a relationship, where every single guy that talks to me is forbidden. I can't do it.. I can't be closed in like that. I miss rob so much, it's absolutely unbelieveable.. but the fact still remains.. that I cheated on him.. I cheated on him.. because I've not been able to enjoy sex with him. So yeah.. I'm really fucked up these days.. and it doesn't help that I quit smoking, drinking, smoking pot, and pretty much well anything that used to be fun. I now just get to sit here and talk to my computer and hope it answers back.. because amazingly enough.. I have managed to throw away everyone that meant anything to me. Go me.

Everything is official I guess. It's pretty cool that I'm here.. leaving Robert and family to pack up everything and leave. I'm going to go tomorrow and get the base amount of my things. I'm probably just going to throw a lot of it away. Right now, I'm just sitting here watching Margaret Cho, and basically just trying to work out in my mind what I might just do with myself from now on. I don't really know if I should show how upset I am or just hold it all inside until a more opportune time. I would have preferred we both live together. He asked me for my opinion.. He didn't have to take my advice and it's not fair to put that part on me. It's totally his decision. I wished that he would see that his life is not over and that there is still so much more that he can do. I'm not the last girl that he's going to be with. I liked that he was very sweet last night, but it would have been better had he not pushed. It just made everything more awkward. But as always, we're going to keep doing what we do best. Right now, I suppose that all I can do is cheat on him as he said. Although I'm not going to accept it. I liked the idea of Anthony, b/c he was more adult than child. He already has children and is very responsible. He was also a realist. Don't put a name on something just because you want to when it's already named something else and for good reason.

You know, I put up my hair today.. and I got so many compliments it's absolutely astounding. It's a different change of pace, but I truly liked it. I miss doing things like that.. and I definately miss dressing the way that I want to. I guess that is all that I want to say.. oh yeah, and I quit smoking.

Night.

I hate to beg, but I'm hard pressed for money.. so

SOMEBODY GET ME A FRIGGIN JOB ALREADY!!!

Check this out. Rob gets ready for work right? He asks me to go with and so I agree. Then.. when I'm ready and watching out the window.. I see Cindy, Michael, and Phil pile into the car and set the seat back. Leaving just a space for Rob. So I tell rob, huh uh! I'm not going to crunch in the back, hell.. Michael doesn't even NEED to go, he just goes everywhere with Cindy and I rode for a full year sitting squished next to Mike and I'm not gonna do it anymore. I did that when Robert actually had full on love for me, these days he does not. He says that he does and that he loves me more than I love him.. but that all made perfect sense until he screamed at me last night(I purposely provoked this screaming) and told me that I am not worth his life anymore. hear that again.. I am not worth his life. There are many ways that I could take that.

1. if I left he wouldn't commit suicide
2. if someone busted in the house and tried to kill me he wouldn't try to stop them
3. if someone shot at me he wouldn't take the bullet
4. if I was dying and needed a new kidney and he could donate me one, he wouldn't

and so I mother fucking sit here crying.. not knowing what to think about this anymore. I want him to love me, not unconditionally.. but to truly love me.. and it's clear that he doesn't. I wanna go home now. I want this all to stop. It's too much for me to sit through with hardly a promise that it'll be different tomorrow. I fucking love him man.. I really do. But I don't think I can do this anymore..

Not to mention the rolling dreams that I sat through last night. The first one was the worst.. I still can't get the image out of my head. All I can see.. is that image of rob with becca and a whole group of girls.. I can still here all of them laughing at me when I walked in the room to see what was going on. I can still hear all of their laughter as I walked around the house today. They won't stop laughing at me. It was so fucking vivid.. like as if it had actually happened right next to me while I slept and I had woken up and watched it.. but it still retained a slight bit of dream quality with it. But I can't get that image out of my head.. and I have this feeling.. that becca is totally worth his life. I don't know why I thinking this way.. but I just fucking hate her.. I like her as a person, she's really cool. But I fucking hate her for how much rob has an interest in her. It fucking hurts when he tells me that I'm not the only one that he has feelings for. He hasn't said that recently.. but he did once before. Maybe I'm just fabricating all this, b/c I don't want it work.. secretly.. but it doesn't make sense that I'm crying real tears over it. So now.. I'm totally just gonna sit here.. and do nothing till rob gets here at 9pm.. b/c if I'm at the computer when he gets home.. he'll get suspicious.. and I don't wanna lose his trust anymore. I'm trying not to.. but it's just so fucking hard. It's not like I want to just talk to daniel all day.. or something in that area.. it's the whole.. making sure that at every second of my life.. I'm doing something that he would approve of. I feel so controlled.. like I can't make my own decisions. I want it all to end, but I'm too much of pussy to walk out to the street and make it end on the bumper of a truck. Someone please help me. b/c I'm done.. I'm so fucking done.

kaylyn

I have a dilemma of sorts

to start out with.. it has to do with Robert and I's love. I don't want an unconditional love, I don't want the kind of love that would allow me to be a whore and cheat on him.. I do want a conditional love.. but upon those conditions.. I have a condition.

I am not allowed to play world of warcraft, based upon the fact that rob and I were nearly split once b/c of a player in the game and we were split as because of the game. In his eyes, he sees it that way.

I personally believe that we both wronged each other and did things that we shouldn't have and I do believe that we could have a lasting relationship whether we play the game or not.. but here's something for your head to divulge.

Love is based upon Trust. Without Trust, there is no Love(Moulin Rouge)

here's my point. Rob trusts me here sorta.. he trusts me sorta while he's at work.. and unless he is around me at all times, there are doubts in his mind of my faithfulness. If I play world of warcraft, the relationship is ended. I'm asking why?

He says that he wants to trust me ONE DAY FULLY.. but take this into consideration.. I AM NEVER ALLOWED TO PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT B/C HE WON'T EVER TRUST ME PLAYING THAT GAME. So I say to you.. does this not sound like he's blocking his heart from really loving me and trusting me forever? If he will never let me play the game because of a trust issue.. then at what point in our lives will he ever trust me fully? It even goes far enough that I am not really allowed to play any MMO. He's not said this.. but I'm sure that he's thinking it. So how is it in both of our's best interest to limit my online life in such a way. He can play all the WoW that he wants, but I cannot. I don't see how this makes sense.. He sits there and tells me that I talked all this shit on him while at the same time he was doing so to all of his friends.. even before I broke up with him. I am honestly wanting to know if there will EVER be a full trust. b/c if not, then I am leaving. I hate being not-trusted.. I hate being alienated from everyone else because my trust has made it so that I am not allowed to do things.

So I am curious and wondering to Robert.. will there ever be a day where I can be trusted enough to go on a week vacation away from him or go to school/work on my own and not have to worry about doubts in his mind? Will there ever be a day where I can play WoW and not see a look of deep pain through his eyes? Will I ever be allowed to just go hang with some friends for a few hours and it be ok? Or does it have to be the right kind of friends? b/c to my recollection.. Rob got to hang out with people that did Cocaine with him and it wasn't a problem with me.. at all. If Rob wanted to go to a party that only he was allowed to go to.. (b/c I hear tell the peoples hate me).. I would let him go to it with no qualms.. but the same is not for me.. and I can understand in this day why it is not, but will there ever 100% honestly be a day where I can do the same? If not, then fuck this relationship right up it's asshole b/c I'm not going to sit around here during the day doing NOTHING and being hungry all the damned time.. just to have him come home and be like.. 'nope, I wouldn't ever trust you'. I am wasting my time here if that is the case.

Like I said, I don't want an uncondtional love, ever. But one day, I want full trust. That is what I am asking for.. and maybe my words will cause me to be homeless for a day or call up buddy and ask for a place to live.. but honestly.. I'm not going to put for the effort if it is futile. That would be pointless.

End of Transmission, I'm going to play more GH2 or something..

Here's the formula for this whole year's schedule as long as we don't have more than like 3 snow days off:

Fall Break:4 days
Thanksgiving Break:5 days
Christmas Break:16 days
Spring Break:9 days

Full Calendar
August:
21-JR's B-day
28-Adult Orientation
29-Student Orientation

September:
3-Labor Day
7-All School Assembly
11-Parent Night/Open House
22-Rob and I's 2 year.
23-Precious's Birthday/First day of Autumn
24-Robert's Birthday

October:
18 thru 21-Fall Break
27-HB Lizzzzzzzzyyy!!

November:
4-Daylight Saving Time Ends
21 thru 25-Thanksgiving Break

December:
22-Winter Begins
22-Christmas Holiday Begins

January:
6-Christmas Holiday Ends
7-Back in School
21-MLK jr.'s B-day (no school)

February:
18-President's Day(professional day, no school)
27-B-rad's mom's B-day
29-Someone's b-day, you know who you are.

March:
3-Precious's Death Date, I may be sad this day.
9-Daylight Saving Time Begins
10-Orthodox Lent Begins(gotta remember to give somefin up)
15 thru 23-Spring Break
16-Mom's B-day
23rd is also Easter

April:
15-Taxes are due in Oklahoma
18-Good Friday, may have off dependent on snow days
19-Happy Birthday Mrs. Bradley
22-Earth Day homes!!
24-HB Budddddddyyy!!
27-Orthodox Easter

May!!:
4 thru 10-Teacher Appreciation Week
5-Cinco De Mayo!!!!
6-National Teacher's Day/EOC Awards Banquet
11-Mother's Day
13-EOC GRADUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
21-Luther's last day
22-Jones/Harrah last day
23-Adult/Choctaw's Last Day
24-No more school for me and HB Angela
26-Memorial Day(observed)
30-Memorial Day(Traditional) HB MIssssssa!!

June:
(just for sara)
3-Sara Crager's Ultimate and Awesome Birthday, 21 she be!!
8-My Birthday


Grand total we get 38 random days off, and then a possible 3 snow days, which are given to us based upon the possibility of a snow so bad that the roads are closed off or it is too hazardous to get to the school, so thus the school closes down. (I'm saying.. 6 inches will close us down)

Which is rediculous. Considering that we had a real life blizzard(in words of oklahomans) like 5 years ago and it wasn't until we had like 4 feet of snow that school was cancelled. I can't wait!! One month till September!!! I am so excited!!!

I hope everyone gets access to this so that you can see when I'll be in and out.. if any of this schedule changes, I will update it and I may forward date this so that it stays as the first post.. but who knows. Maybe/maybe not.

I don't really know what to type.. but I know that I am in one of those moods, I keep thinking everything over and over again and I have two voices in my head leading me in different directions. Maybe it wasn't such a smart thing to go get maddie already b/c I managed to upset Daniel. I don't really know what to do now. I didn't want to hurt anyone but I do realize what I did. I mean.. some people look at this expression on my face and say that I look sad, rob did. Some people say that I look mad, buddy did. Some people just stay away.. and I enjoy those people's company so then I'm still fucked all the way around. I really am just in quiet contemplation.. trying to sort out my feelings and figure out what to do next. I find though that I get in this mood anywhere from 3-4 times a day. I wished that I could just cry or tear something up and get it over with. I can remember all the times that I got in this mood. One time I tore up my favorite teddy bear and thermometer. One time I sat in my room and carved my arm to near shreds. One time I walked out to the highway and found no cars to help ease the thoughts in my head. What really does this to me is that I see a pathway infront of me.. maybe a few of them.. and in none of them is everyone ok. Someone's going to cry and it kills me that I caused Daniel to cry by him just seeing my face. I hate making people cry. I really do. I guess I just need to go back to my quiet contemplation again and figure it all out, I may report back when I'm done. Luckily I have a whole set of BB songs to get me thru this. I've found that they help a lot.

I hate to complain.. b/c it makes me sound like such a brat.. but I'm quite hungry these days, let's have a recap of what I eat:

today: nothing so far
yesterday: 3 pieces of pizza + half of a pork chop
saturday: 3 pieces of crazy bread + baloney slice
friday: 5 pieces of crazy bread + hamburger

I've also been sleeping like a LOT. I sleep at least 14 hours or more a day and usually it can range up to 17. b/c I sleep 12 at night or more and then take 5 hour+ naps after school. I slept from 4am-11am and now I am in the mood to sleep another 12 hours when I get home. This is rediculous. I don't usually sleep but 8-11 hours a day.. and now I'm sleeping like close to a thousand. I need to get that job at the chinese place so freaking badly.. it's rediculous. I'd have (A) form of money each day and (B) food kinda while I worked, probably more than I eat now, I'm sure.

Like I said, I hate to complain b/c I openly put myself in this position.. but I have to say that this totally sucks. Hell, by next month, I bet we'll be electricity less. At least now I can send Cindy, Jimmy and the gang into Food Stamps and maybe hook something up. I need to be working at least 20 hours a week though.. which is such bs. I don't even know what to say on that matter. If I had a job.. don't you think that I'D HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO EAT SOMETHING EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE??

OHH.. and I got good/bad news. I now know how to reinstate my license.. all I have to do is have liability+ insurance and pay some office $300. woo, hoo. That sounds like a do-er.. with my whole wait.. I do have money. I have 17 cents in my pocket.. well.. that's just $299.83 to go. Awesome. I should so pay the whole thing in pennies. That'd be rock hard awesome. Anyways.. I'm just complaining that I'm hungry and I'd better go b4 mrs.bradley sees what I'm doing.. later.

Do not worry about me.. Jimmy is out on the town picking up his check.. I should have food soon. mmmmm. It just sounds delicious.

I'll start back at the beginning. It's like a game a the end.

Cherri went out with Michael. She was happy, we were happy.

A month later, she's acting weirdly childish. Two weeks later, she's annoyingly childish. To the point that I get tired of listening to it and I put on my headphones and play world of warcraft so that I don't even have to hear it anymore. The squirt is acting completely out of character, frankly like a brat. She's constantly getting into my things and then when I get mad about it.. and show the evidence to Cherri or say something.. I get ignored for myspace. It gets to a point that I stop having things in the livingroom, it all just stays in the room because misbehavior is not a reason for punishment these days. A few days later, I try talking to Cherri.. telling her something funny that day.. but I get ingored and that's where the pattern started. It was one thing after another.. me getting ignored with Cherri ontop of Michael, flirting with him and making sex noises on the couch. That was a good 20 feet from me. I then start getting told by Robert that I'm not doing enough around the house. So we create a chart.. The first three days I did not do my part.. because the first one was interruped by a my monitor getting rained on, the second robert offered to do it for me and the third day I did do it kind-of.. but I couldn't finish because of a job that wasn't done by someone else. (no need to get into names) It happened that Rob and Izaac would always tell me that I wasn't doing enough.. but they always tried to do it cautiously, because the truth of the matter was that I really was doing my fair share of the work and Izaac and Rob knew this.. but is was Cherri that was complaining to them, telling them that I wasn't doing the chores.. *she was never home to see that I was*. It ended up slightly making me mad.. next subject of it:

So I start having and issue with Cherri and Michael having "private time".. because let's face it, Micheal is 7 foot tall! He scares the shit out of little Elizabeth and since Cherri cannot have sex without the WHOLE house and part of the neighborhood knowing, her daughter is always trying to run down the hall and save her from the big bad Michael. It got to a point that I wanted to let her go by.. and see what was really going on. That shit NEVER should have happened with Elizabeth home. Izaac and Mandy(izaac is cherri's brother, mandy is izaac's wife) are getting tired of having to watch Elizabeth daily during school time and then when Cherri wanted to go out.. the four of us(izaac, mandy, me, rob) were stuck watching her. It happened more and more and more. Sometimes we even had to put her to bed. Then there was that day that Cherri stayed out at Michael's house until 8, finally came home.. and then got on the phone and called him up. Elizabeth tried to get Cherri's attention for 10 minutes straight. Cherri kept telling her to hold on and ignoring her. Izaac got sick of it and interrupted Cherri's conversation and had her go get Elizabeth a drink. I was like.. THANK HEAVENS!! Elizabeth from that point on became a complete bitch because she wanted Cherri's attention, but she was too wrapped up in Michael. Elizabeth got away with EVERYTHING that she ever did. She was stuck in the corner a few times, but each time.. it went the same. Elizabeth would get to play around in the corner, with the toys.. not putting her nose in the corner, talking to you, laughing at you.. and sometimes she'd even walk out of the corner and play with toys.. and Cherri wouldn't do a damned thing about it.. except slightly get onto her and tell her that's not how it works.

It happened one day that Elizabeth had sat a bag of doughnut holes on her little chair, for at least 20 minutes.. and played around in the kitchen.. so then I move the holes, and sit in the chair. She comes over and begins throwing a fit. She goes on for a good 10 minutes or more saying about how it is her chair and for me to get out of it. I was waiting, just waiting for Cherri(whom was 3 feet from me on myspace) to make her stop.. tell her no.. something? Nothing. I got sick of it.. I gave her the chair and went to the room. Cherri throws a fit telling Elizabeth that when she cries for something for a long time.. she doesn't get what she wants and all that bullshit and stuck her in the corner(2 minutes later, elizabeth was playing in the room, Cherri never even noticed b/c of myspace). She told me that we're not supposed to give her what she wants. The NEXT DAY the exact same thing happens with Izaac. Elizabeth keeps pulling on the chair, trying to push Izaac out of the chair.. and Izaac gives up on waiting for Cherri to do something.. he gives her the chair. Cherri goes ballistic and yells at Izaac telling him that he is not allowed to give her things when she throws a fit for it. Izaac just ignores it and walks off. Elizabeth once got into the candles that I had for school.. was playing in them with brian's throwing knives. She didn't get into trouble. She put glitter glue on the side of my subwoofer and now it's discolored. *didn't get into trouble*. She would constantly pick up the dogs and then throw them down when she was done with them.. or straight up spanking them, HARD.. *didn't get into trouble* Do you see how I was getting annoyed?

It continued on that Elizabeth was a brat and Cherri continually ignored EVERYONE. Even Izaac got tired of it. All 4 of us.. started planning on moving out and getting an apartment together. One day after school up at the vo-tech.. Cherri gives her other friends a ride home.. took us home first, then went back and took them home. That was fine and dandy.. I didn't care.. but two days after that.. (on those days where the windchill was 30 degrees outside), Robert and I walked out to the car.. and on the way there.. I happened to notice that there were already 4 people in the car. We walk up to the door, and stand there.. waiting for Cherri to roll her window down. We waited.. and we waited.. and Cherri keeps talking to michael and everyone in the car.. not even a gesture to us. Rob taps on the window. Nothing. I'm fed up with this.. it's been this way one day after another.. so I quit. I walk off.. saying.. "fine I'll walk home". Rob starts walking with me and he spots kyle, and says.. "maybe he can give us a ride".. I look back to see Kayla McKinley getting out of the car and running to me. I ignore her presence and keep walking, we start talking to Kyle. He says that he can give us a ride, Kayla stops me telling me that Cherri was going to take them home and then come back to get us. *i'm sorry.. when did someone whom doesn't pay cherri to live at her house get more precedence than someone who does??* I tell her that I'm tired of Cherri ignoring us and I'm going home with Kyle. *I see Cherri get out of the car* I yell at her, "don't worry about it, we have a ride!" but she doesn't hear me. Cherri finally gets over to us and begins to talk about how she was "cold and was trying to warm up in the car" and I said.. "don't worry about it cherri, we HaVe a ride". and she blows up saying.. "well fine!! fuck you then!!" and storms off.

She then gets back in the car and storms off, while kyle takes us home. We happen to see a car that looks like Mandy's car and it looks like cherri and mandy are in it. so we call the house just to see.. but apparently mandy's still at the house and Izaac is upset. Cherri called Izaac crying about the whole thing telling him how I had been mean to her. That night(thursday).. she comes home for a second, grabs clothes and leaves to Michael's house. She calls rob and me later and tells rob and I.. "good luck finding a ride to school" it was said through Izaac of course. Cherri stays at Michaels all weekend. Friday we talk to our teacher and the head of adult education and tell them that we're moving out.. and all of the information you've read so far. Saturday, we begin packing our shit. Cherri apparently decides to come home and catches me sitting at the house, with the last load of our things. Rob is out delivering it to his parent's house. It was nasty.. she first says..

"what's going on here?"
"rob and I are moving out?"
"why?"
"because we don't feel welcome"
"you don't feel welcome because you jumped to conclusions and threw a hissy fit and upset me, that's why you don't feel welcome??!?"
"nope"

and after that.. I said nothing.. NOTHING, while she kept yelling and going ballistic all over the place. Janette pulls me aside in the next room.

She starts to tell me about how when I don't like something, I stick my nose up in the air and stop talking to that person alltogether and how whenever I wanted something.. my mom always gave it to me and that "person" predicted that our relationship(cherri's and mine) would not work because I'm a stuck up princess. Thanks "person". She poked me and prodded me and told me about how her daughter has done nothing but been nice to me and a perfect friend and how I should talk to her. I told janette that I wasn't going to talk to her until she calms down and then janette told me that I needed to grab the bull by the horns and talk to her.. or else loose the friendship with Cherri forever. (all of this while cherri's still yelling and hollering at izaac, talking about what a friend I am that I wouldn't talk to her and try to resolve this and how she doesn't need friends like that). After janette is done, I go back out and I cry. Because I do remember how much my mom did for me but how confused janette is. If I honestly was that kind of a princess.. I wouldn't have been living in a house with black mold, tree fungus, mold in my room, a constantly wet floor, one bathroom that the toilet always overflows and so on. I wouldn't have stayed there for even a week after her dogs constantly shit on the floor and pissed on my things. I wouldn't have dealt with an unruly daughter or someone whom completely ignores me and so on. Cherri continues saying about how she doesn't hear from rob or me, she always hears our feelings from izaac. She accuses me of not being able to talk to her straight to her face.. when in reality.. I did say everything to her face.. she just wasn't caring enough to pay attention and she was the one infact going about a loop to get her point across. She always uses Izaac and she still uses him to talk to me. Robert came back to the house, we packed up our things and we left. Izaac and Mandy have officially decided to move out at this point.

From that point on it was just mucky. I got told multiple times that I was giving Cherri hate looks, so I stopped looking in her general direction. She came over to the house the night before we had to turn in candle money, she offered to pay for one of the candles when she found out that we didn't have the money to pay for it. She actually came over to ask for money from the bank account. *there is 17 cents* The very next day I get blessed with a gift of money to my pocket and from that.. I give Cherri $10, because she needed gas money and I told her (you said that you needed gas). She then accused me of shafting her (by telling izaac and then he reported it to us that night), that I had actually money in my bank account and that was keeping it and lying to her. I looked into it, and because of a purchase of light bulbs(to fix the tail lights on her car) and a pack of cigarettes that rob had bought without her permission.. I owed her $10.. and I had just payed her $10. So officially I owe her nothing. Well, there is I think 13 cents on the account that I owe her.. but she's being petty. So next thing you know outside rob's like.. what's this all about that we owe you $30? (which is what she had told izaac) Then we get into it.. she talks about how I spent $20 of elizabeths' money and that we owe her back for the candle that she paid for. So, robert argues that part.. and she doesn't stop about it.. telling us that we still owe her money. I finally say.. "I owe you 13 cents if you want to be specific, but I'm not paying it till you pay us for the rest of the rent money that we paid to you!".. so then she blows up and starts to storm off after I give her the figures of how much she owed us. She then says that she is going to figure out how much we actually owe her for food. (which apparently she wrote that rob and I eat $300 in food per month, which is funny.. all the money we had to buy in food each month was $260.. and I don't think that Cherri, michael, izaac, mandy and elizabeth suffered through 5 months of starvation in order to feed robert and I). I then tell her to stop having Izaac tell me thing that she should be saying herself and that izaac doesn't appreciate being brought into this. She calls me a bitch and storms off saying how I'm going to make her lose her brother and so on.

So then.. Cherri calls the house later that day and asks Robert to call it off, and has Robert call it off.. Cherri cries. I'm sitting right next to him and he says that he'll make sure that I squash it. So now.. I'm mad a rob for speaking for me, and izaac and cherri for not talking to me personally when I'm the one that they are having problems with. Izaac and Cherri agree to come over and talk to me.. and she specifically asked rob to make sure that I am not allowed to raise my voice at her.. I'm pissed at this point, because I never, ever, ever have raised my voice at her. I've only raised my voice at rob, ONCE. Izaac came over that day.. and talked to me. He was upset because I wasn't supposed to tell cherri that he was getting mad about being the middleman. I apologized sincerely to him and we're totally cool now. It happened that Cherri never, ever did come over.

I stopped even going around her or doing anything involved with her. It was completely over, she had her chance and she fucking blew it. It has been almost a month since she was supposed to come over and talk to me. She hasn't stopped though. I was talking to Deanna one day about how I had made a group of people mad at me and how they had hated me and called me a bitch. Apparently, Cherri had walked by and heard what I had to say.. At lunch, she told rob that I said that I hated her and then two days later when Izaac comes over, he tells me that apparently I said that she was a bitch when I was talking to Deanna. I even asked deanna the next day if I talked about cherri at all, and her answer? NO, you didn't.. how is that going?

So.. I quit, I absolutely quit. I've been harboring this whole thing in my mind and I'm tired of it. I want it to go away, far, far away. I hope that she reads this too.. because that would just be entertainment to me. It's also funny that she wrote this on her myspace:
--------------------------------------
About me:
"People tend to screw me over and act like bitches...I hate them all...especially you. I've lost most respect for human kind so I would like to invite you to"
--------------------------------------
trust me.. you don't want to read the rest of it.

So, now I'm tired again and I want to get on WoW for a brief moment. I'll see you all around sometime soon and stay cool!!

Love ya!!
Kaylyn

I tried the whole blogger thing.. and guess what? I forgot my password and everything involved. I hate it when I do that. Looks like I'm back to livejournal.

The state of affairs? We have no food, so until Jimmy gets his next check.. looks like I'm eating hominy. It doesn't even sound good. In no way does it sound good. I might be able to claim the can of Vegetarian Soup, if I'm lucky. I could so go for a PB and J.. but all we have is J. I think a might bit of milk.. but nothing else. There are a few crackers I think. I'll look into that. My eyes are getting black marks under them and I'm always tired.. but tonight I can go turn in my next casino check and grab a bit of food while I am out.. then I'm going to have to wait till somewhere around the 23rd for our fafsa check. They originally said it would be out by the 17th.. but they had a few minor delays. I hope it makes it in time. We have $1000 of it held back for a car and at least a month's insurance. So a car anywhere from like.. $1 to $890 would be ideal. That way we can still cover the insurance. This sux. I have my calendar marked off for all of the days that have gone by.. and I'm tired of waiting for the next check. Once we get the car.. Dustin's girlfriend and also Darren are going to try to get at least robert a job if not the both of us. Darren can get a job at Taco Del Mar and Kim can get us a job at Old Chicago. If nothing hits.. we're going to try for Convergys.

I'm kind of sending out a SOS here.. in hopes for some form of food until then. If the car costs not all that much.. I'll have more money for stocking the house with food and maybe I'll be able to buy some computer parts. This one is feeling slower daily. I need to get off of here.. but maybe the grace of god will bless me with a bit of good fortune and food. I would so eat fish and bread if that's what it called for. Night all.

Now, that's uncalled for. The computer's little anti-game program has totally gone into the depths of the internet and shut it down. Why don't they just get it over with and take it away for good.. so that we dont have a possibility of having our hopes up. Neopets is gone, that's really, really sad. Insert hate here.

Now what am I going to do? I simply wanted to look up a cube, to see what all colors are available. Sigh. Later journal.

I attempted to move out. I shouldn't have packed up the bags yet.. but I was really hoping to be able to. Mom says and I suppose thinks that this was all Robert, that he's a control freak, and they may forbid me to see him. Reguardless of such a thought, I own and run his life more than he does really. Especially after I almost broke up with him the other day. Now I've got his full attention and at the risk of losing me.. he'll honestly do anything I say. But I'm not about to take advantage of this and run/ruin his life. That's his mom's job. Not that she's got much power on it anymore either. She has no say in the house. What do I really want? I really want to live with Robert. Now.. Not in a year. Today. I hate being here and missing out on so much. I hate being here period. Bryan keeps telling me that I'm here because of some crime rate issue with him so that I have to watch the girls... but then he back-retorts that the girls have more common sense than me. He claims that I'll be 40 and he'll still be running my life because I can't do it right.

I tried to get a job.. once. Then I was told that even if I got it, I'd have no transportation via my parents. So then, ? Then a while back I asked mom if I could get a job. She said no. She said that I am here to watch the girls, (which melissa herself said that she feels that she is old enough to watch herself.) I'm not entirely sure, but I'm about 98% sure that It's not my job to watch them. Mrs. Maggart put it the best way possible. It's not my job to worry about my sisters, eventually I have to step out and let them fend for themselves, or more hopefully.. my parents step back in and begin raising them again. That I need to get out of the house and start my life. Robert believes that I'm not treated good enough considering that mom and bryan need me. Not want me. NEED. I haven't felt wanted or loved by a single person inside the house except for Melissa whom occasionally give me hugs. Elsewise, nothing. I hardly see Mom and Bryan. They both are at the bar.. Most of the time, most of the evening part of the day. I do remember the day I had to make food and mom Actually expected me to make food from the scratch that was located in this house. It was more likely that I could find more food on the floor than in any cabinet. I was lucky, REALLY lucky that I found bacon. Of course, I wouldn't naturally backtalk mom about it. Reguardless of how the task looked, I still had enough respect for mom to attempt it first and then complain later. Which the bacon covered for complaining. I can cook, I can clean. I can wash things and I can live on my own.. or however on my own living at Robert's house may be.

Jimmy had told me once that if I ever needed a place to live. I could live there, on the condition that I get a job.. to appease cindy. I had full plans to get a job. We were supposed to go hunting today, but I figure I'm going to have to pass on it. At least until VBS is over. Which VBS is screwing both Candy and I over. Reguardless.. it was my idea that I move out.. I've been rolling around about it since before I was 18. It was Robert whom gave me a means to move out. Both him and Cheri are going to vo-tech. If Rob and Buddy get the house in TL, then why couldn't I move in there and have them take me to Vo-tech every day. My main qualm with going to school from here. Is in fact that I will be going to school. Tanya was riddiculed daily for it. Poked and jabbed, told to go wash herself and more. I did own quite a bit of authority on the bus, but I doubt I'll be doing much this time. Along those same lines, I really don't want to get kicked off the bus for retaliating against someone whom may nag on me and laying a fist into their skull simply because they won't take my advice when I tell them to lay off. I am honestly going to need a job. At least some form of income. Vo-tech doesn't feed you. It's $4-7 for each meal you get and they don't accept poor as an excuse. I'd have to eat at home or bring in a lunch daily which will still cause me to need an income. Robert will have on the job training during Vo-Tech, as well as a part time job. I won't have anything and I refuse to be supported off of him at the moment. I have the capability of doing it myself. I have ambition. I just don't have the freedom/means.

JR can keep bitching at me all he wants about a job and so on. But I will not be Bused around like he was. If I am to get a job. I'll need some way of getting there that doesn't involve mom and dad although I'm pretty sure that is their job as a parent. To help get me on my feet? Who knows. Thanks to JR I assume that I have actually gotten screwed out of a lot. But holding me back from getting my life started is only going to cause major problems when it comes time for me to have one. In a year I can "chat with mom" about moving out. That's still no guarantee. But frankly, it won't make a difference. I have to take Vo-Tech for TWO years before it will make a difference in the job field. So if I go this semester then move out.. I'll only have HALF credit for web page design as a "degree". So what point is there in me waiting till I'm half done to start my life? So that even if I do move out after my first year, I could still technically piss away my schooling. But unlike JR had been. I'm not that stupid. Reguardless of how fun or unfun it would be, I'm going.

So now I sit here, grounded from spending the night anywhere, which is fine. I'm tempted to not even leave the house anymore. I wonder what effect that would have on Robert? A lot I can say at least that much. So what am I to do? I assume the parentses are expecting me to try to just leave. Not yet. I personally wanted to wait for a little more job/home security on Robert's part. But the full oportunity to say so I want out and leave got me excited, giddy and careless.. So I pushed for today. That didn't go so well in retrospect. Probably because since I was trained to not deliberately talk back and yell at my mom, or bryan(out of respect or fear of him who knows), I'm still here. Because I didn't want to fight. Mom acts as if she's hurt, but try being home with the girls or possibly alone a lot like I used to be.. with nothing to do and mom and bryan are out at the bar fully enjoying themselves. Try having to clean up the room each and every week because the girls weren't taught to obey me when I tell them to pick up the room b/c it looks terrible. *and yes, they do come in here enough to trash it just as much as I do* I've basically given up on getting elizabeth to clean up after herself. She wasn't made to do it as a kid and she's been let off from doing it so much, it doesn't even make a difference if even BRYAN tells her to do it. Now would be the time to fix this.. but the bar is taking precedence over the childrens.. so it won't happen. I often feel very hurt, that they spend SO much time up there.. chatting, and mom occasionally working.

Do I have to be coated in lime salt for my life to matter?
Do I need a lemon and a paper umbrella to gain importance in mom's life?
The girls feel the same way. Hurt, because a bar takes higher standing than we do. Elsewise, they would be home, helping, raising, living here again so that we don't have to be the only ones.

I was doing so damned good at not carving.. I was. But after last night.. I let go. There is no reason for me to even try to make a difference in myself. Until I get out of here I'll be 100% run anyways. I also threw away my porn, changed from being Bisexual, and decided to stop a few bad habits. But it doesn't matter, no one noticed. So what was the point in it anyways? I might as well begin popping pills again and intenionally overdosing on any over the counter like I used to. Or maybe run off and have night of multiple cases of unprotected sex again. (which before that day I'd only had sex with ONE person). I might as well target people I shouldn't and appeal to their desires in exchange for things again. Why not?

I'll tell you why not. Because my name is Kaylyn Margaret Holaday and I will not follow in the footsteps of my dad, a drinker, cheater, abuser and child rapist. I'm not going to be my brother, a frequent drunk driver whom doesn't use his head for just about anything, while relying on my parents to help me cope with the fact that I have a spending/drug abusing problem. I also don't want to be like my Mom, stuck in a relationship that I don't want, with kids that I don't see unless it's somewhere between 11pm and 7am. I also don't want to become a bad money handler and cause a split in trust between me and my spouse as well as one to hide things like important mailings. I don't want to drink, smoke, lie, huff substances, live for drugs, be untrustworthy or dependent. I don't want to feel a friendly bond to a razor anymore. I don't want to clutter my computer with porn. I don't want to become a glutten because there's never any vegetables and fruits readily available in this house, only fryable/bakeable foods. I want to read again, I want to go on walks again(haven't since precious's death), and eat a normal diet. I want to see Robert, love Robert and Live with Robert, the one person on this world that shows that he cares EACH and EVERY day. Not when he feels like it, EVERY day. He even worries on the days where he needs caring that I'm not being given enough love from him. I'd even like to spend the night with Robert, because then I know that someone that loves me for who I am and doesn't pick and choose when to love me is RIGHT by my side. THAT is what I want. And yes, that is worth dying for.