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End of the line...

I honestly won't push anyone in a direction that they do not want to go (not even somewhere in the back of their mind kind of decisions). But when I finally stand up and fight for a cause that is just and fair.. push comes to shove.. and someone WILL get hurt.


What is going on with me today?

I am out of sorts, or more-so than I was yesterday, this is not how I planned on feeling when I woke up, someone is fired! :P

Does anyone else have those days where you wake up wanting what you will never have? I had plans on being awesome and here I am pitying myself and crying my eyes out and feeling like a completely pile of poop, sans the flies, flies must die. Music is somewhat, cheering me.. although it has good base, the song itself is depressing me. But I think I need it. Maybe it's one of those nesting/healing days. Where I do nothing but fetal position and bawl.. woes would be me today.

I want something more, a relationship in which I feel appreciated and adored, because frankly that is all that I've ever tried to accomplish and I swear that I have this ability to return the same and then some... but not today. Today is suck in the most intense degree.

This always happens though, once I come back to life and actually take a second to assess what I want and what I do not have, I find a good deal of self-realization and depression.. maybe I just feel emo today? LOL where is my eyeliner???

I feel like praying, because honestly I need someone else to stand on so that I can be the best mommy possible. I feel like I need church, which is silly, it's Tuesday and I don't even have churchy clothes anymore. Which also saddens me greatly, because when I begin to dwell on why I don't have spiritual bonds anymore, I find a new sense of self-worthlessness. Damn this.


My official next post will be....

My next official post is going to be a doozy of complete and utter punishment, I'm pretty terrified of what's to come myself but I can say that it's going to take forever to compile. I've yet to go and visit Calvin's grave, I don't want the reality of it to hit anymore than it has. I didn't visit the last few days he was in the hospital, I didn't go to the funeral and I've been to Harrah and still didn't go to the cemetery. Of all the messed up and ungrateful things I've done in my life, I regret these actions the most. I'll be writing it off and on for the next few days and for those that still read this and are still raw from the emotion of all of this, I'm so sorry for being a completely selfish idiot and I hope that one day I can at least show my appreciation for the unwarranted and completely appreciated love and affection that the Crager family has showed me in the years past, even if we don't talk anymore and I haven't made a single visit to see any of you in years: I still love all of you and I miss all of you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret what all I've missed out on. I miss the lake, the girl's birthday parties(ABC), and leisurely afternoons threeewaying Neopets like paid entrepreneurs. Those memories hurt the most... Going before I get ahead of myself on this.

Milky Novels and Romance Ways at Midnight

Man, it's been like forever since I last made a blog post.. but I'm feeling it today. :D

So I'm currently lavishing myself with Milky Way Midnight Mini's that David brought me.. he walked up out of nowhere and pulled them from his pocket.. I could have cried. Sometimes he's amazingly astute, Milky Way MN(my faaaaaaaaaaavorite candy bar) + Romance Novel = HEAVEN. He calls it "Daddy Magic", but I more think of it as awesome.. REGARDLESS, I've been occupying my time lately with reading some of my older books and frankly, Night Play - Sherrilyn Kenyon is a #1 best of my collection. I simply love this one.. it's simply too good. The part that I'm at now while completely bereft of an explanation has kinda hit home in a silly little way so here's what I'm loving:

Excerpt from Sherrilyn Kenyon's Night Play, Copyright @ 2004 Sherrilyn Kenyon, St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue New York, NY 10010

"It must have been hard," Bride said, bringing him back to the present.
Back to her.
Vane fed her another bite. "You get used to it."
She looked at him as if she understood the sentiment. "It's amazing what you can get used to, isn't it?"
"How do you mean?"
"Just that sometimes we let other people treat us wrongly because we want to be loved and accepted so badly that we'd do anything for it. It hurts when you know that no matter how much you try, how much you want it, they can't love you or accept you as you are. Then you hate all the time you wasted trying to please them and wonder what about you is so awful that they couldn't at least pretend to love you."
He saw red at her words and the hurt that glimmered in her amber eyes. "Taylor is an idiot."
Bride widened her eyes at the deep, growling intensity of his voice.
Vane set the fork aside and placed his hand on her cheek. He studied her face and stroked her skin with his fingers. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and there is nothing about you I would ever seek to change."
It felt so good to hear him say that, but she didn't delude herself for a minute. She'd always been the chubby little girl who didn't want to wear a bathing suit in public. The one who pretended to have her period at parties so that no one would mock her for her weight.
How many times had she watched the skinny little putas come into her shop, to try on the slinky dresses she sold but could never wear?
Just once in her life, she wished she could wear one of Tabitha's more outrageous outfits and not watch a guy's eyes drift immediately away from her as he sought out someone more desirable.

(that's the part that got to me.. continuing on just for fun)

"You keep talking like that, Vane, and I might be forced to keep you."
"You keep looking at me like that, and I just might let you."
She shivered at his words. "You're too good to be real. There's this voice in the back of my head that is telling me I need to run before it's too late. "You're a serial killer, aren't you?"
He blinked, then frowned. "What?"
"You're like that guy in The Silence of the Lambs. You know, the one who is making a woman suit who's being charming so that he can seduce and kidnap a woman for her skin."
He actually looked aghast at her words, even offended. Which meant he was either innocent or a great actor.
"You're going to throw me naked into a pit and make me drench myself in baby lotion, aren't you?"
He did laugh at that. "You live in New Orleans, where they can't even dig a grave. So tell me where I'm going to find this pit?"
"It's an above ground pit."
"Hardly secretive."
"But possible," she insisted.
He shook his head. "You don't give up, do you?"
"Look, I'm a realist and I just had my heart ripped out. I don't want to be involved with anyone right now. You've been so kind to me and I don't know why. It's just that things like this don't happen in real life. Prince Charming doesn't come to the rescue all the time. Most of the time, he's too busy with perfect freakin' Cinderella and her teeny-tiny perfect feet to even notice the rest of us."

(I've found comfort, especially laughter in this entire book, I love the juxtaposition of the two main characters. Honestly, a lot of what is said I completely agree with and have probably said something close to the same, but mostly.. when I read Miss Kenyon's books, I feel less like the stories are someone elses' fictional life, but more like I'm just sitting at the local coffee shop with my girlfriends. I find comfort and enlightenment inside the wide collection that she has and I have to say that as of today, FUCK THE IDEA OF DIETING. I was always a superior eater as a child, but as an adult, I don't pack away food like I used to. Most days I can eat a small salad and feel full and comfortable with my nourishment accomplishment. However, I do feel that I need much more exercise in my life and one of those priorities is that Klynn Klynn needs a Zumba partner. I don't know what got me into the idea of it, but after seeing a few different commercialized versions of what it's like.. I'm seriously intrigued. If not Zumba then I seriously want another Gazelle. {I wonder if mom still has hers?) +mental note and to-do list prompting aside I honestly love exercise and part of that includes cardio, which is what beginner Zumba is all about. I love the feel of my heart racing and the sound created when twisting off the cap to an ice cold water bottle. For the moment however, more reading until Ry gets home and then I think I'm hankering a park visit. I'm in the mood to get some much needed play time for Melly and a good bit of exercise for mommy. So with that, I bid thee LiveJournal adieu and a freshly twisted cap+water shot to good health.



Sometimes, you hit a point where you realize that there is no fixing the past and we are unsure how to move forward. The past is so prominent that nothing else matters and we cannot move on. That is how I feel sometimes, but I know that with my friends and family, that one day, I will overcome that which hinders me.

WOW omg, so yeah.

this is in reply to Chris's message "We can work this guild thing out" with a video playing "We can work it out -- The Beatles"

I will honestly say, that the first line... "think about it my way" for the entire drama scene that I caused, I can guarantee that Zach never looked at it from my point of view. It doesn't matter if it was stupid or petty, or even if I agree, at this very moment. All I ever wanted was a little consideration for my feelings on the matter and even an iota of a hint that he really did take what I said into consideration. I can't work with people that are too stubborn to lose an arguement, that they don't even bother to think it over.

~~just so you know, I had a conversation with him on vent a day before our first arguement where he said that "wow doesn't seem anywhere near as fun as it used to be" and I asked him why.. and he commented that none of this friends played wow anymore. You can see it for face value, look at it deeper or write it off, but I saw it as him saying that neither You, me, andrew, dragon, sean or any of us were his friends.. NICE, fuckhead, nice.. that had me pretty emotionally burned, but I just decided to let it go and just treat him as a GM, not a friend anymore.~~~

It's one thing to think that my jealousy of Kadence is stupid, it was.. I know it was when I said it.. it wasn't even that big of a deal.. but have you ever had an arguement that was just getting you yelled at? When I told Zach how mad I was about the vent pw changing and I not getting a mail he said in more elaborate words, "get over it". When I said that he should have let me know that I wasn't allowed to tell people the vent password, because then I was the one causing the vent problem.. in more elaborate words "get over it". Yeah, he is GM, but he doesn't have the right to just write me off, like I don't mean anything. So I brought up the deal about Kadence because I felt that I was getting nowhere.. it was stupid.. but he refused to see my point of view on it. That is what defines a shitty leader. (he eventually commented that my concerns about Kadence were retarted and that he never wanted to hear me complain about her ever again *it's weird that he protected her, but is so hellbent on verbally abusing me*<--I swear that's not overdramatic) So I commented that I was a true gemini in personality(always the center of attention if you didn't know) and that I can be an attention hog at times, but that I don't mean to be overbearing and it just kinda happens.. but I can't help who I am. He then yelled at me for a good couple of minutes about how I'm not that important. My feelings got hurt, but I wanted to make up for pissing off after he got up, so I sent him a bunch of greens that he could DE for the bank, and then I happened to create a KICKASS JCing ring that was perfect for galilicus, so I sent it to that character and waited. Those items were supposed to go to my banking toon and get me some money, but I thought that they would be more useful DE'd for Zach's professions, especially after all the times in WOTLK that he had made enchants for me, with no mats required. and I offended him that one time by buying the mats for OZ and having Dar(old friend from clan tartan) make them.. because I was impatient, so I figured that I owed him and I over-repayed him.. later, I got on and he was posting in gchat here and there so I sent him a message asking if he had recieved them yet.. I waited a good 5-10 minutes and I know this because I did 3 item quests in that time. So I sent him a message saying "good answer" and he replied with "ok, I'll just put you on ignore now" and proceded to yell at me about how he wasn't currently on those toons and that he was busy talking to someone and that I was being childish for being so impatient. I never meant to make him mad, I was trying to see if he was even there, I figured that he was afk, and I got yelled at?? WTF? I got off of vent and my heart was racing, in anger, in frustration and mostly, I was just hurt that he was acting like that. I understand being stressed and busy, but calm down and really read what I said. If I really was trying to be shitty, I would have said, "fine then, don't answer, dick". I don't play around with how I feel about people.

So after 20 minutes of feeling personally attacked, I decided to ask my fellow guildies what was up. I posted in officer chat that I was unhappy with how thing where and I would probably be leaving the guild. I said that Zach was being unusually mean to me and I was curious if anyone had an idea as to why. I asked "Should I just sweep it under the rug, or do any of you know what it was that I did to piss him off so badly?" ~~if you see that as shit talking, then fine, I'm a liar, whatever~~

Alor was the only officer rank that could read it and so I waited on his reply, but he never said anything.. then zach came online and began by saying "if you want to leave, leave, because this guild drama is a bunch of BS and I don't have the time to deal with it and I don't see your actions as anything but causing drama" <--not exact words, but I've slept since then :P

And so through the process of a good 10 minutes, he went off on a tirade, saying that if I want to stay, stay.. if not, leave and stop all the drama. He also bitched about everything that I had said, in private, earlier that day, not getting the vent password, not being told that I can't tell anyone, my jealousy of kadence, how I admitted to being the center of attention and that is the reason that I am starting all the drama, because I don't have all eyes on me. (as if I wasn't already hurt enough, he just said what I thought was a strickly private conversation between the two of us, to alor, in a way as to incriminate me as a person as much as possible, it was the biggest slap in the face, I've ever recieved), so then I tried to tell him that really, I just didn't feel like an officer anymore, I felt like that dumb guildie that no-one wanted, but you put up with them anyways because you're getting something out of them(such as that I'm a decent player and I help everyone out when I can, and I was friends with just about anyone). Alor commented that I do mean something to the guild, but Zach never did, he just kept going off on me for being such a bitch, commented that when I was on vent earlier, that Alor said "grats on being 83" and I said "i've been 83 since yesterday", (which yeah, in retrospec was a shitty thing to say.. but I was joking around with Alor since he had said the same thing, yesterday, when I leveled. I was more laughing that he had forgotten.) and how I should have just said thank you and gone on about my day, keep in mind, this was between our first and second arguement, when we are both supposed to be "dropping it". Not exactly dropping it at all. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be even slightly being facetious by saying that he was stewing on it. But that is neither here nor there. I didn't realize that I was being so mean, but what bothers me the most here, is that Alor, who had pretty decent trust in me, didn't say anything to me about that comment, but Zach jumped my butt.. I donno, either way, whatever, he could have simply asked how I meant that.

Either way.. so Zach goes on to pester me about my vent aggression.. He asks me, "tell me the truth, did you get mad about not being able to get on vent because you couldn't talk to dragon, or because you couldn't talk to martin?" and I was really angry then. It is one thing to yell at me for an extended amount of time, but then to question my honesty on top of it?? WTF?? so then, I tell him, just as it ACTUALLY HAPPENED.. after all the frustration of dragon being like.. "he was on and didn't tell me the password" and me being like "Why didn't I get like a in-game message, the password itself would have sufficed?" but either way, I had dragon come onto clan tartan's vent, without asking Zel if it was ok, only because I knew that no-one would be on for 1 and dragon was tired for 2.. so we chatted for maybe an hour? before he ran off to bed.. as I sat there for the next 6 hours, waiting for someone to come on and hang.. give me some company while I level, but ehh.. you can't have everything. Back to our conversation, I really don't believe that Zach believed me and what did all of this lead up to? oh yeah.. He kicks Martin, why? Why does Martin have something to do with this? God only knows.. but either way, Martin gets kicked.. and I am still waiting for someone to speak up.. nothing.. so then Zach continues with do you want to be in the guild now? I reply to him, "yes.. Martin getting kicked out has no bearing on my choice to stay or leave" it was a pretty shitty thing to say, but being honest.. Martin is not going to get wow for.. a long, long, while. So then.. Zach continues his tirade and I interrupt with why do you hate Martin so much?? He conjectures that he never liked him, thought that he was a POS for doing the LK kill before the scheduled guild run and said that that is not what a good guild member does. You know, it's funny.. when that shit hit the fan, everyone left with Martin.. but when Martin is kicked again and Zach goes off.. I think Alec may have posted a ??? in guild chat? or maybe it was alor? I can't remember.. but I don't recall anyone appearing to be overly concerned.

So, I ask Zach why he so angry with me.. when I get a chance, and basically it is because of all of the drama that I have been causing for him and that it was shitty and whatever else he said. I whisper him about the comment that he made days ago.. The one about how the guild seems unfun, because none of his friends were playing anymore, and what does he say? it was about you and dragon, he says.. I was never his friend, just a means to an end. So wrapping all of this crazy shit up for now as I want a break from typing.. I later talked to dragon and guess what Zach told him in concerns with martin? Apparently, to dragon, Zach likes martin and they just have disagreements, but to my face, he fucking hates him.. I wonder which one is true. I will be back later, to write more.

Things could be better.

It's easy enough to say, I feel lonely. I love david to death, sometimes even so much I cry simply because of the overwhelming emotions. I also am being stressed. I am trying to quit smoking.. I am down to just one cigarette a day and it's driving me crazy. My pills are causing a whole new kind of hormonal complex within me and I can't figure out what i am.. am I sad? angry? happy? so happy that I cry or angry enough to cry tears of blood?? I don't know.

I am also experiencing a HUGE jealousy streak. I know that it's absurd to be upset about it.. but the majority of his myspace top friends are his exz. It gets under my skin because I know that he keeps in contact with them and checks up on them.. and the majority of them are far prettier than me. It's fucked up. It makes me wonder if he doesn't still have feelings for them. What if he wants to get back with one of them? What do I do? If I confront him about it.. he'll never let me live it down. He will do like the last time that I got mad at him for watching porn over having sex.. and stop playing on the computer.. insisting that it's the only way to make me happy. It just makes me feel worse. I'll add more later.

"you are a theif, a liar, a whore.."

that's rich..

Yeah, so I messaged Brian.. thinking I could get somewhere as to why he doesn't want to talk to me and that is what I got. I am a theif because I stole his computer and his car and his best friend's love apparently. I can honestly say that I did not steal his car. I remember that one day Jimmy was laughing saying that he was going to tow Brian's car to the impound and have it crushed for some whiskey money.. and then the next day I woke up and it was gone and Jimmy was sitting on 3 bottles of KD. My bad? His computer is what is now Melissa and Elizabeth's computer.. but if you remember correctly.. he fried the one we were going to give them, AFTER my mom had paid us for it.. which by the way isn't working right now and for that matter.. it was Rob's idea to take it. I do have the monitor over at my brother's house I think.. If he is so hurt by the fact that I have it.. then he can have it back. I don't have a use for it anymore anyways. and the best friend's love thing? I have no idea what he meant by that.. I don't know if he is implying that I took his love and threw it away.. or if rob was his best friend but let's recap real quick.

Izaac hated you. Absolutely couldn't stand you.. he even tried to get Rob and I to pay the money that you owed him. I practically had to beg rob to let you move in with us.. that was MY idea. You moved yourself and your girl in and things went shitty real fast. You swear up and down that you did nothing wrong.. but week after week rob would bitch that you were taking all of his money.. using up all the gas in my car.. so on and so forth and for the longest time I defended you.. until I got sick of your girl's shit and then I plotted against you living in the house.. yes. You mad that I lied to you? Fuck.. Yeah.. I am a class act liar.. but that shouldn't really matter because your girl was lying to you and abusing you worse that I ever was. How many different times was she pregnant? Seriously.. did she ever even go to the doctor or was that more lies? Sure, she's awesome now.. she gave you a son and I suppose that things are swell now. But the fact still remained that she lied to the both of us over and over again and about the stupidest shit. Where did my sharpies go? she doesn't have them.. I can't find them. So I snuck into her bag one afternoon while you two were at work and there they were.. and what was her response? "I didn't know they were in there" and the worst part of this.. even though I hated her.. I fucking tried to help you keep her around. I sat there when she was being impossible and tried to get her to calm down and talk to you like a normal human being, instead of her slave. It doesn't matter now.. it's a whatever at this point.(however, let's not forget the used tampons that were all over..)

I am not a whore. Did I cheat on rob? yes. His name was anthony.. he came by the gas station all the time while I was working and I had sex with him.. Is that the only one? Nope. I fooled around with male Corey too. Do I feel bad? oh, hell no! I was tired of the bullshit. I was tired of feeling like a freak.. which I am.. but your significant other is supposed to be at least accepting. I was tired of his friend constantly coming over and treating me like shit. Yeah.. they didn't like me.. I get it, but if you can't behave, then don't come over to my house and eat up my food and act shitty towards me.. Come over and steal rob for a few hours and leave me out of it then. I was tired of being alone in the house.. constantly wanting a feeling of company. Tired of the superior lack of romance and for that matter.. I wanted a child.. I always have and it's not like it's an obsurd request. I didn't require any of my boyfriends to be anything in particular appearance wise, nothing in personality, I chose who I wanted by the simple fact of.. if I got knocked up would they take care of me and love both me and our child. Simple as that and I was tired of the same old routine of being without. Day after day I was unhappy.. with the sex.. the behavior.. spending all our money and overdrafting our account, JUST BARELY making bills.. It was ultimately aggravating.. and let's not forget the fact that he invited his best friend Devan to that concert before I even knew he had been given the tickets.. I wasn't the first person he called.. I sat around all night and babysitted her, as well as buying everyone food.. and sure enough, he called during the concert to tell me about how he had women throwing their tits in his face and how glad that he was that he took Devan and not me. so I began cheating on him. Made me feel better and it was nice to know that someone thought I was sexy. so sue me. Someone whom didn't make fun of my strange antics or preferences in games. I felt better about myself and that is what matters.

Do I feel bad about how things went down and the lying? yes. I don't however want to change it. I met someone new. He knows about how I cheated on rob.. I've told him about every crazy stunt that I did and about how I have a serious problem with lying, making up stories, stealing, betraying trust, and all of my good or bad qualities.. and he doesn't care. For some reason he loves me unconditionally and plans on keeping me forever. He doesn't make fun of me for neopets or WoW.. just says that it is not his style of game and goes on loving me. Maybe it's because I haven't given him hell, abused his love, or betrayed his trust.. but I don't feel that I need to. I feel that I have grown up a lot and it sucks that I hurt so many people in the past.. but life is a learning experience and all those whom suffered it I am sorry, but you made a better person out of it that someone like david can love.. so it wasn't in vain. Now that I have cleared my mind, I feel better and david deserves to sleep soundly with me at his side.. not dwelling in the past, writing nonsensical journals to an ex-friend that doesn't care and won't read it anyways. Sleepy time.. especially since Melanie fell asleep in my arms and she can't really be comfortable.

Baby Pictures

lots of cute picture, but I figured that I would put up a few on here..

News, News and more News!!!

You may or may not know this.. but Kaylyn has the most awesomest boyfriend in the entire world.. she loves him and he loves her and things are absolutely perfectionestic!! :p hehe, new word creating is fun. So,.. his name is David Dale.. the rest is a secret :p

I am currently at his house and he's sitting right next to me reading all this like an asshole.. making me all embarrassed... x.x but that's ok.. I'll just embarrass him back. lmao anways.. I wanted to post a full list of things that you guys should probably know about him and how things are.. and it's all going to be appropriate, I promise :x

so then.. for
1. He has a 5 year old daughter named Ryley, she's the shit. He's a good dad, like the kind of dad that will buy her everything that she wants.. but totally has a handle on her behavior which is a plus++ I enjoy watching the father/daughter relationship.. it's cute ^-^
2. He's on my myspace, the top one for instance so check him out and comment his myspace. be nice!
3. He is 6 feetsies tall TG, it's about time.
4. He's a twiggie.. which is fine b/c he's probably the hottest thing on two legs
5. He wears glasses, but needs new ones.. they's broke.
6. He has 3 tattoos, but plans on getting more.. he wants to get wylie cyote and I'm going to get the road runner.
7. He holds the record for the first boyfriend of mine to ever have a clean house and keep it that way TG.
8. He lives here in Norman over on the NE side.
9. He likes to eat sammiches with cheesesteak in them.. I think that's all he bought in walmart.
10. He drives a van, with seats that can fold down into a bed, ohhh yeah.. I can sleep while he's at work.
11. Family heritage mostly consists of Polish and Danish.. mmm.. apple danishes.. :p getting back to the list..
12. His car is kept clean too ^-^
13. He has the most gorgeous eyes.. I especially like when they light up when he smiles and give me that look followed by a "Whaaatt??"
14. He used to work at burger king.. and is between jobs right now.
15. The first day that we hung out, he made me laugh like a million times.. I don't think that I was ever that entertained when I hung around buddy.. x.x oh god, stalker alert!
16. Our first date was at the Sunny Side Up resturant. it was awesomeness.. Jerk wouldn't order hardly anything.. embarrassed that I was paying for it I suppose.. ???
17. He pretty much well knows just about all of the Crager Family collection of movies.. there's a few more to go such as "Top Secret".. but hey.. he knew "The Birds"
18. He used to live in good old cali, TG he was nowhere near oroville.. that'd be bad..
19. He has a pathetic sense of smell?? (sorry to be lame but I'm having trouble thinking here with him right next to me) so he doesn't know if I'm smelling horrible... but the downside is when he starts to... x.x
20. He knows my Klynn Klynn nickname,OG, this is not going to end well.. anyways.. He's pretty much the sweetest guy that I've ever known.. he never fails to make me happy and OMG I totally got my first rose :p tell me that's not teh sex!! anyways.. I am done with the list.. enjoy guys.

lolerz.. I've had fun, read up and let me know what you think.. and please don't myspace him embarrassing stories.. he already knows that I blew snot bubbles as a kid.. I think that's enough for a lifetime.